Breaking Point

Discussion in 'What's left to Talk About?' started by Jofa, Jun 24, 2019.

  1. andrewsrea

    andrewsrea Well-Known Member

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    I literally had a run of that at age 22. Three in a row that had me questioning if I was safe around them. Worse, they followed my bands and at one gig all three showed up. Thankfully that band broke up a short time after and I went underground into studio work for a few months.
     
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  2. voodoorat

    voodoorat Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry, man. My wife is IMO having a mid-life crisis at like 42 and after 4 kids (2 with autism) and almost 17 years blew up our family for no good reason and it's a fucking disaster but what can you do? She is probably most selfish person I know (I suspect she's a classic narcissist) but considers everything "self-care" and doesn't care about what effect her actions have on others. We're getting a divorce, I hope things work out better for you since that's a fucking mess too but In my case her personality in this way is basically incompatible with happiness.
     
  3. solteroblues

    solteroblues Well-Known Member

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    Unfortunately, I have been in nearly this exact situation. My ex-wife had always struggled with depression and bi-polar-ism, but only after our third child did she really go off the deep end. Very serious depression leading to a near attempted suicide while our oldest was about 4. She blamed me and her parents for not taking her to a hospital and checking her in. Then she started having affairs. When I found out and tried to stop it, she said I was being controlling, and attempted suicide the first time. into the hospital she went, and once she was in their out-patient program, and the family was invited to see how she was progressing, she blatantly told everyone that she saw no problem with affairs, and that I should allow it - be thankful that she still came home at night. She refused to take her medications. She would get part time jobs, go "out with the girls", go to "the gym", whatever excuse to get out of the house and leave me at home with the kids, she would take. I soon found out they were all ploys to meet up with guys.

    My kids were still very young, I couldn't exactly divorce her, work, and take care of the kids, so I dredged through it. About 2 years of continued affairs, fighting, etc... She finally quit having them for about 4 years. Started back with a vengence. I found out again (found her on Ashley Madison after suspecting something was going on, and talking about the website - I had never heard of it until she tried to convince me to "let her join"). At this time, my kids were finally to the age where I felt I could do something (my youngest was 9) so I divorced her. Best decision of my life. She has still caused major issues... more attempted suicide attempts, heavy drinking and mixing with sleeping pills, "nerve pills", etc... Until she threatened to kill my current wife, skipped out on bail, came to our house to "save" me and the kids - against her bond agreement, to which she is now residing in prison for the next year and a half. We finally feel safe again.

    All of this said, I definitely know what you're going through. The lack of intimacy could simply be that she has lost all interest due to her condition, but I personally would worry that she is finding it outside of the home. Your kids are old enough to understand, and mostly take care of themselves. I hate divorce. I lived through hell for about 8 years to prevent having to go through with it, but it sounds like she has the same attitude of my ex, that she doesn't WANT to change. I would seriously recommend that you talk to her, and give her an ultimatum. Either change voluntarily, or you need to divorce her. It was the hardest decision I've ever made, but it has turned out to be the best for my kids and me.
     
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  4. nomadh

    nomadh Well-Known Member

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    I worry its seriously being cultivated by the media, most colleges and many primary schools now for young men and women and this is obviously nothing to be dicked with but this isn't the thread for that.
     
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  5. OMB

    OMB Well-Known Member Supporting Member+

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    Wow Jofa so sorry to hear about your situation. Mental Health Disorders/Issues/Illness can cause soooo much stress and instability in a family. Trying to get your arms wrapped around a situation and deal with the emotional wreckage that can be present is akin to herding cats.

    We have a bi-polar 29 year old son and he has turned our lives inside out since his breakdown 4 years ago. He was "better" for quite some time after a rehab program, therapy and meds. But the more he performs at gigs and lives on his own the less he is willing to deal with the boring realities of life. He says he is on his meds but then has these crazy ass periods that many BP folks have to deal with. Says something (everything at times) triggers it. Pretty much me all the time to the point I can barely talk with him about anything other than his emotions without his getting manic or acutely withdrawn. But this isn't about me it is about you and your family.

    Wish I could give you some solid sound advice but it doesn't exist at least from me. There has already been a lot offered up worth your consideration. Your heart and your head have to speak to you and most importantly the welfare of the children. If nothing else seek some therapy on how this is affecting your kids. Obviously they don't think nor react like us and safeguarding their mental health is job 1. Whatever you decide I will be thinking about you and your path to healing.
     
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  6. Razzle

    Razzle Well-Known Member

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    Well Jofa, for starters I'm sorry that youre going through what you are going through, I really do. I wish u the best and hope you both can work it out. I've gone through a very similar situation (and it included children), so I'm gonna take a moment to share with you my experience, and hopefully it may serve you with some useful advice (since you asked).

    I went through a divorce. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and the effects still linger. I think for most of us that go through that, the effects never totally leave us. But mine is in the past, and like many things hindsight is 20/20, so I'll give you my 2c. I hope I'm not too long-winded.

    From what I can tell from your situation (and I'm sorry to say) you have basically three decisions to make:
    1. Your Marriage
    2. Yourself
    3. Your children

    1. There are times when it's just over, and you need to look at the marriage and the relationship, and see if that's the case - or not. My wife came out of the blue one day and did all sorts of irrational $hit. It totally confounded me. She was cared for, loved, provided for, surrounded by a wonderful lifestyle, and never ever abused emotionally or physically. I spent six years trying to save my marriage. Trying to reason, change, counseling, family, psychiatric, friends, family, church, you name it. The bottom line was, all of that was a waste of time. Why? Because she had decided. She simply wanted out, and she created all this turmoil, smokescreens, and blame, so as to justify (to her family, and our children) what she wanted. Women are not rational creatures, they're emotional creatures, and they make decisions from the heart. Call it midlife crisis, call it "we just been together too damn long" (as Samantha Fish says in one of her songs), and you know what - there's a lot of value to that. Very rare that two people keep interest and passion after over 20 years. Looking back on it now, I should have seen it and just said "fine". The only positive to wasting the six years was it gave time for us to emotionally level out, because when it comes to things of the heart, it is a very potent powerful influence. People do some crazy $hit in the heat of a divorce. She did, for the first couple of years, but in the end she did not. I never went crazy. And that brings me to the second thing, matters of the heart (yours).

    2. This one is difficult because it's you, all you. Notice I don't mention her. There's nothing you can do about her, those actions are in her court. Yours are in yours (ye olde 'sphere of influence'). You need to decide if you "want" to continue to commit to it, try to save it, or not. Given my situation (which yours sound similar), that would have been a very very difficult thing to accomplish. I think in my case even if I would have prevented the divorce, there would have always been that divide, that lingering distrust and doubt, and it would have NEVER been the same. So you need to think about yourself and really be honest, "am I gonna try and save this, or is this gonna be a living hell for me and I need something/someone else, someone for the heart, someone to be intimate with". I spent a lot of time wasting away trying to fix it (while she was already busy looking into the dating scene again), and even MORE time mitigating the $hitty situation for purposes of our children, alltold I spent SO much time dealing with this crap and lost valuable years that made it very difficult for me to find someone else, which I never have (too late). But regarding the children, I don't regret that AT ALL. Which brings me to my final point.

    3. We had two kids but she started her $hit they were younger, 10 & 7. Family breakups affect the adults, yea, but for the most part we've lived our lives, the children have their lives ahead of them. So I did everything I could to lessen the impact to the kids, which the main thing was to allow her to live in my house for around 5 years until she could get OUT on her own. Not only did I do this to minimize the emotional scarring to the children, but also because if I hadn't, I would have lost. That's our society, men always lose custody to the female. That's just the way it is. It is VERY hard to win custody of kids, we as the father lose, and if she would have moved somewhere I would have NEVER seen my children, I lose AND the children lose (no father). Even if she agreed for me to have them and walked out the door, the children lose again. Even with share custoday 'weekends', the kids lose still IMO. The children will be the most difficult part of it all, if you split. If you don't, then they're getting hurt too if you look at what's going on. For us, the 5 years not only allowed them to mature, but it was a pseudo 'fake' family structure and it WORKED. I think they came out mostly unscarred (although I'll never know for sure). And one other thing. I never ever trashed their mom, and she didn't me either (which actually is hard to believe because of how emotional she was at first). We should NEVER use our relationship as a 'tool' against the kids. But you know what? They figured it out. They eventually figured out the 'truth' and that hurt her relationship with them, and that will be there forever. In your case, your children are older and they won't be affected like a 6 year old would have been, so you're luckier than I was. But still, the children will and should be the prime consideration.

    So anyway buddy, I hope I didn't offend, but only helped, and hoped this wasn't too long (post from hell). But it kinda struck a chord. This was a lot of personal $hit for me to reveal, I don't mind, I don't need the therapy, and I have nothing to hide. I just hope I helped someone out there with my lessons learned. Wish you all the best of luck and I really do hope it will work out. Good luck. r
     
  7. DonM

    DonM Well-Known Member Supporting Member+

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    Man, sorry to hear this. However, I'm in your corner on this one. Not taking the meds is a deal breaker.
     
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